The Trouble With Vulnerability

Okay, I’m kind of obsessed with vulnerability. I’m all about it. I can’t get enough honesty and realness. But at times I’m so busy talking about how great it is, that I forget the utterly terrifying feeling of putting yourself out there. Maybe I have gotten a little bit comfortable, I’m not sure. But lately I’m reaching out of my comfort zone, and I’m really feeling it.

I remember the feeling I had when I taught my first level 1 class at Finest City Improv. I had already taught improv classes, but somehow I was still frozen in fear. There were so many things to worry about.

I worried that I’d disappoint the students, the theatre or get the syllabus wrong somehow. I worried that students wouldn’t enjoy the material or want to come back again. I worried that their first impression of improv would be ruined because of me. There were so many things to worry about!

I worried so much and everything ended up just fine. And each term I worried less than before. There were some more fear moments, but they came less and less.

But this summer things feel big and scary again. Even writing this I feel weird and kind of stupid. Like what does it even matter, why am I even sharing this? And even just trying to explain it is hard. I feel blocked and scared. It’s that anxiety, the fear of vulnerability.

I have new projects and new classes, and it is exciting and terrifying. I’ve spent so much of the summer feeling a bit worried about being productive, and beating myself up for procrastinating instead. And worried about the people I can possibly disappoint! That compounded by regular life things like relationship transitions and household items falling apart, and I just want to hide under the covers for days.

And then I realize, I’m scared to death of being real and vulnerable. I’m scared to be seen! It’s so much easier to just hide and stay in the comfortable place, and to just coast as the time goes by.

But that is also not true. Because while it seems easier to stay in the comfortable place, it is actually harder on all parts of your being. For the short term, the comfortable place is great. But for the long term, like for the rest of this life thing, the only option is to break free. It is difficult. But the most amazing life moments come out of it. The kinds of moments that make life worth living.

Right now I’m stuck in the fear of breaking free. I’m in the place right before the transformation that is just the hardest. And I’ve been here for a bit and there’s still more work to do.

The trouble with vulnerability is that you have to get through these excruciating feelings in order to live your best life. To break free of the mundane. And these feelings sometimes trick you into thinking that giving up is the best option.

In the moments when I want to quit, I think about how much I encourage others to do what I’m most afraid of. I remind myself how important it is to break free. I remind myself that I’ve broken free and transformed before. I remind myself that there is no other option.