You’re Never Really Doing It Alone

For years I thought about doing a solo show. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I also had this pull to share the ridiculousness of my journey. The many times that I have tried hard for “fairytale endings”. How I’ve failed at so many attempts to have the life I thought I should have. Making something of the mistakes felt important to me.

So I took classes and workshops. I had long conversations and asked so many questions. I was inspired by the witty and ever so amazing Carla Cackowski. I took her workshops series several years ago and had such a great time with our class group. It put me in the direction I needed to be. But on my own without the cohort I lost steam.

I hemmed and hawed about it for the next couple of years. Life things happened. My dog got cancer and eventually passed away. I went through relationship things. But it was always there, gnawing at me.

My dear friend Eugene encouraged me to participate in an improv night he was holding with various teams. I would have 10 minutes to try out some of my solo work. I did it and was petrified. I was able to feel some of the stories land on an actual audience. It was well received and there was a spring in my step again. But over time, I lost the steam again.

A half a year later I tried out a thing we now call “Vulnerable Night”. I wanted to try some more material out with friends and I wanted them to try some things that frightened them too. The first go was a success and turned into something I never had expected. The nights have become a very valuable time for creativity, honesty and sharing. We’ve had four of these evenings and I’m looking forward to the next.

Here I was thinking about a solo show and realizing that all along I was anything but alone in this journey. I hadn’t written this darn show, but I was finding so many surprises along the way. So much support and encouragement from the people in my life.

Just as I started to give up on myself my dear friend Christina Perry said let’s do it. She’d actually been nudging me for a bit. And eventually I finally said, okay let’s.

The journey of writing and digging and getting this thing together felt difficult and frustrating. The analysis of my entire life was completely overwhelming. And scrutinizing my collection of past relationships was challenging especially while ending one in the meantime. So much loss. And so many thoughts about loss. And all of the times I tried again with a hopeful heart.

All the while I was not alone, even when I felt I was. Christina was there, working with me and encouraging me. I worried I’d end up being a disappointment. But she rallied and I hung in there.

There were more vulnerable nights with friends. Lots of people to reach out to and share with. There was family to check in with. Message threads with friends to keep me company. So much encouragement and love.

This last weekend we debuted the show at the Torch Theatre in Phoenix. After years of sulking over this project, it finally happened. I couldn’t have done it without the folks there who believed in me. Or without Christina who kicked me in the pants and inspired me with her creativity.

I was never really alone. Even when it felt like it. I didn’t do this alone. There was so much inspiration and encouragement along the way. It just took a while. I smelled a lot of flowers and took a lot of strange turns along the way. Like how I do. I ended up with anything but a “fairytale ending”. But so far I like this better.