2018 The Year I Fell In Love

This is the title I wanted to use for every Christmas card I never sent. For too many years I wanted to alert the masses that I found someone to write home about. If only a love interest could validate my existence, because I was incapable of doing this for myself.

Over the years I’d be in and out of finding those someones. I spent my life trying to perfect the best relationship scenario. Each one was finally it! Spoiler alert: none of them were ever “it”.

This year I finally grew exhausted by this pattern. Every new potential someone just reminded me of an old something that never worked. I realized that this habit of finding someone else to give me purpose was not working. I realized I was going to have to do this for myself.

I’ve always been aware of the concept of loving yourself before you love anyone else. But I never felt ready to embrace this. Until recently when I finally worked up the courage to be my own best friend. As a result, I am now looking back on one of the best years I’ve ever had.

This year wasn’t perfect by any means. There were difficult moments. There was also another heartbreak to experience to keep things super real and humble. But that was enough.

I finally actually just let that shit go. Forty-one plus years of memories of heartbreak and loss and beginnings and endings and not feeling good enough.

I began to notice the love that was all around me. The simple everyday moments began to mean so much. And the adventures were that much more wonderful.

I threw my arms completely around my improv obsession and traveled to places to perform and teach. I fell in love with moments I spent driving through Ireland or performing with new friends in Oslo or getting on stage in London.

I found love in the moments in a Utah canyon or a stage in Phoenix or outside a mill in New Hampshire with snow flurries brushing my nose.

The places were wonderful and the people were even better. I still think of the conversations, the meals, the jokes, the walks.

I found new love in teaching and in helping others discover the beauty in themselves through vulnerability. I realize how freaking corny this sounds. But this has seriously made me realize my purpose in life. This is it. And I want to do more of it.

I did the solo show I’d been thinking about for too many years. Thanks to friends that believed in me along the way. And one final push from a friend who directed the whole thing. The content of the show was very personal and the process was not easy. But nothing will ever compare to the love and encouragement I felt when sharing this story with others.

Through all of this I found love in being honest. I’m calling stuff out like my life depends on it. Gone are the days that I let stuff fester in my head and heart. My friendships deserve better. I deserve better.

I never thought I’d be writing home about a love like this. But here I am. There’s still a shit ton of work to do, but there always will be.

I’m thankful to be here in this moment celebrating the love that I found this year. It’s better than anything I could have ever imagined.