Lessons from Chicago

Last week I returned to Chicago for an intensive at one of my favorite theatres, The Annoyance. I was pretty excited to get back there for the advanced version, and to catch up with great people. 

There’s something about that city and theatre that feels like home. It felt amazing to be back. I haven’t been a student this intensely in a while and have been teaching and traveling and going through a lot of transition in my own community. 

I didn’t get to many touristy things this visit. It was more about the theatre and the people. Spending time catching up. I liked my classmates right away. There was immediate silliness and fun. I enjoyed being in moments and conversations and visiting with people who mean a lot to me. 

Something happened mid week that challenged me. We got a hard AF teacher. He was very direct. Asked tough questions. Didn’t settle for what we were putting out.

I personally got worse that day. I reverted back to my beginner self trying to keep up. I felt all the things you feel when nothing you do is good enough. My choices felt cheesy, disingenuous and surface level. And suddenly everything I thought I ever knew about this art form for the last 10 years felt wrong. What was I doing and teaching to everyone? I questioned everything. 

Then all the insecurities came to the surface. Like truly. In a way that makes you feel the most raw. 

Am I good enough to do improv? Am I good enough for my friendships? Am I good enough for love? It’s like my performance itself had been at the surface all along and kept these questions very well hidden.

Am I good enough?

I would have gone back to my airbnb and cried if I could have. We all left class that day in silence. Our message thread remained quiet all night. No bits to be found anywhere. Luckily, I had plans with good people who remind me that life is pretty okay. And I laughed and had good conversations that night in spite of everything.

The next day we all went in there and much to my surprise and delight, we all checked in on this first thing. The whole class, the teacher. And it was everything to discuss and be heard. And to move forward that day with a more balanced approach. 

We moved forward and worked harder and had fun. It was good and needed. 

It’s now a week later and I’m still understanding what that rough day did for me. It’s like it exposed a part of me that I’m afraid to have looked at. Even with all of this vulnerable improv I do, I’m still somewhat playing at the surface guarding so much of myself and feeling afraid of judgment and ridicule. I’m afraid to sit and exist in front of someone else. Afraid to be seen. I did not realize how much I still hid like this.

Sometimes it’s important to be broken open a bit. To figure out what you’re hiding from others and yourself. And to realize how much you’re missing out on by staying hidden. 

It was powerful and important to learn. It stretched me. And I’m still processing it. 

So I guess what I’m saying is that you should do something that gets you out of your comfort zone and breaks you open every once and a while. And you should do it often.