Thoughts of being alone

This is my first Christmas alone. I’ve never really had a holiday tradition to follow each year. I’ve been with my dad or my mom, or with my aunt and uncle, or with partners’ families. But I’ve never been alone. I’ve always been with others.

But here I am. The theme of 2020. I’m alone in my space as another holiday rolls through. I’m honestly mostly comfortable on my own. But there is some shame that comes with it. With finding myself in this solitary space time and time again. With being that one who is always kind of roaming about and who never built her own family. 

With all of this stillness, I’ve come to learn that I still struggle quite a bit with insecurity and with speaking up for myself. In many ways, this time of social distancing has been a gift in that it’s given the time and space to feel out what is best for me. Small benefits include that there’s no need to make excuses for sleeping through the day or just getting lost in little tasks. There are silver linings indeed.

I’ve also learned in this quiet time, that my go to emotion tends to be one of dread. I often feel like I’ve done something wrong or like others are disappointed in me. Without the in person contact we usually get in our lives, it’s hard to get feedback from others. And this dreadful feeling lingers on longer than it should. 

So I continue to learn about how important it is to lean on yourself. To love the essence of who you are and to be your own support system. To make sure you trust that your decisions are truly the best for you and not just to satisfy others. 

It’s discouraging to find myself in this space over and over again. But I’ve been told the work you do on yourself never ends. My mother is almost 75 and always reminds me that she’s still on her self work journey. 

It’s exhausting, but important. And after a year like this one, all that mess has really been shaken up. There is so much self doubt. So much fatigue. And it’s shared across the globe.

While I say that I’m alone at Christmas, I know that I’m not truly alone. While I’m alone in my space, my life is full of support and love. And this year has really shown that there are so many ways to come together outside of physical space. It’s not the same, but it helps.

And I have built a family in a way. Just not a conventional one, under the same roof. Also, I have myself to keep me company, which is pretty cool, I think. 

What I’m saying is that the work is never done. And we’re never truly alone. Even in the darkest moments, even when it feels like nobody is out there. And I have found that it is important to not give up. There is hope everywhere. Please remember to keep your heart open to it.